trying best to sack you out. GOODBYE

guess no ones following my blog,
to see new post day by day le since I have stop blogging for monthss le bah :)

yes, I've been abadoned my blog for YEARS :D
I miss the days when I used to write.
theres oways something special for me to write of,
someone to read of.
which everything seems to be so different now..

once upon a time.
everything went so nice and memorable especially in my form 4 life.
I thank God that I know you,
and I always have people who always being by my side.
viewing back the pictures in fb,
viewing back every single status of the dates last year...
everything happened like it just happened yesterday.

I'm now Form 5 and soon graduate.
what makes my life different is just you who became a stranger.
hmph, a familiar stranger :)
thanks for being a nice friend before she appears.
looking at the chatbox.
12am what will happen.
and its like almost everyday the same.
I accept. it's the fact.

they said,
My attitude, the way I'm being myself.
is too hard to be accepted.
oh yea?
I'm sorry,
I really do not know how to be myself if I don behave like how I used to be.
you're not suppose to see a girl oways raising her legs up to kick people,
laughing frantically with an ugly and gila face,
shouting screaming like a sakai in the class and.
so so so so on.
I'm not as soft as others.
and I do not know how.
I dislike wearing dress,
for me I like everything casual.

I really hope,
someone will find me special,
started appreciate and know my good :')
I know I'm still young for the one to appear.
and my desire might make me met the fake and the one who will ruin my future.
so.
I know,
I just need to be patient.

it's the feeling,
when you have something nice and you can't find the suitable person to share.
it's the feeling,
when you feel sad and wanted to tell him badly but you can't.
it's the feeling,
seeing the convo between us becoming more and more strange.

as I said,
girls are sensitive.
and it ouches me so much for everything happened.
what I wan isn't anything so unbearable, so unacceptable.
but just the normal days tat we used to be last year.
they said,
people who oftenly chat,
will have many coincidences happened between them.
and we had before.
didn't even notice it till I reminisce back.
and guess,
now it's happening between you both.
good luck! :)

Thank God the feeling faded,
with the lies, the way you ignore,
and the changes happened.
and also the funny actions taken by her.
She's shy,
yet the actions that she can do simply amazed me to think her as a shy and naive one.
Shes indeed cute,
in so many ways where I find her special too..

they said,
Im too NORMAL that I have nothing much to be explored,
to be found out the things hidden by me.
oh yeah,
well-saying...
and it makes me lost and do not know how to find the specialities of mine..
so I have to become more rude, more tough.
to let people feel the freshness when I've changed.
am I being like this? I don't know. :')

blog,
I'm coming back since I've lost someone to confide my feelings out.
my feeling, my thinking, the things happened.
Couldn't really find someone to talk about.

I just know,
whenever I wanted to click on his picture to open a chat box,
somethings will tell me,
'' if he wanna find you, he will. ''
'' don't be a girl who need someone, be a girl who everyone needs '' .

everything I saw she did for you,
every night I saw both of you online,
I will tell myself.
I have been replaced.
have you ever noticed?
difference between last year and this year...
or you're just enjoying so much with her.

SINCE my bday and I realized
and no one willing to believe.
until that day everyone notices. =)
first time,
feeling so lost for the bad things happened.
cried when celebrating fren's bday,
and when I got back home,
I got no one to chat with except my lovely didi..
Thank God hes still willing to listen to me.

I should feel happiness around me.
Friends appreciate and care of me more.
Mommy even know my heart pains for that.
I have to repeat,
what I want is just the things last year happened again.
No gap, no strange feeling between us.
and more and more coincidence to happen.

the reason Im suffering,
guess so its because Im not loving myself enough,
and even GOD and JESUS. :')
whenever I can't fall asleep,
what I will thinking will be they both.
I dare not to tell anyone,
which this gonna annoyed so many people.
and I seriously dowan them to find me annoying.


I will let go,
and definitely will not let you to affect my study,
no one is gonna ask you to sleep earlier,
to study,
hmph. nothing much.
cause is just you who listens to me bah? :'))

finding you to chat,
is just making you busy and reply her msg late.
finding you to chat,
is just making you to doubt of what am I thinking.
finding you to chat,
is like making you to have idea to talk with me and not making me feel something.

I can met a better one,
a taller one,
a more handsome one,
a fatter one,
someone who can gv me protection,
and another good listener.
I will.
I just have to wait.
and LET GO everything we've been through.

I'm sorry,
for you is nothing.
for me is everything.
you might find me disgusting,
it's okay.
I might find myself childish nx time too :)
AND I WILL EVEN REGRET THINKING OF YOU WHEN SPM IS APPROACHING.
AND I WILL EVEN REGRET TAKING CARE OF SOMEONE WHO BEING IGNORANT TO ME.
AND I WILL EVEN REGRET OF THE ONE I LOVED BEFORE AND SILLY BEFORE.
AND I WILL EVEN REGRET ON CANT BEING INDEPENDENT WHICH MAKE ME HAVE A BAD HABIT WHICH IS YOU!!

let go and let let go!
I do not deserve to be hurted again and again by finding you to chat,
having the informatio between both of you.
I deserve something and someone better.
and yea,
I gonna go my own way,
and still be the one I am.
and yea,
Im gonna make myself prettier,
without changing the way I oways behave and so on.
who am I?
ah Jun.
the one who can't bear the silence.
the one who always laugh and like to be called as sakai.
classmates.
thanks that I have you all.
yeow, jing wen, tat hong, eva and ching yew.
thanks for willing to listen to me and keep the secret for me.
I'm silly for the way I was.
and I know, I'm too silly to wait at 12am to see they both on.
and I know, I'm too suffer to purposely off at 12am or may be use phone at 12am just dowan to see the chatbox who's online-ing.
I'm sorry for my sillyness.

and teng yii,
thanks for knowing when Im really being sakai and laughing,
you know when Im really not stable which make me laugh abnormally and even serious den a sakai.
I'm sorry that I oftenly annoyed you.
thanks that I have you all :)

Chyi <3,
thanks for being my side,
comforting me whenever I need you.
teaching me ways to let go him and not to think of him.
I'm glad I have a close friend like you for years.
and I finally know your pain :')
I love you,
thanks for accepting the way I am.
and still being friend with me though I've betrayed you before.

Kai Ru,
thanks for phoning me when I need you.
talk about me and him and learn me your ears.
mine did not have any good result,
and I wish yours have something good happen soon :)
I will pray for you :D

Zen Yee, my good didi too :))
knowing my feeling after knowing they going for trip together.
online and ask how am I.
I'm feeling touch for this :)
glad to be your jie jie and have a didi like you :)
it seems a didi take care of me more den a jie jie take care of a didi :))

mommy too,
'' very pain ar? ''
this sentences almost make me cry..
she accepts my story and comfort me..
this is just puppy love she said.
heh, its true.
AND I DON'T EVEN WANNA TO START A RELATIONSHIP AT ALL
I'm weird.
I just like being special friends :D
and what I have to do,
is just don affect my studies anymore :)

GOD,
I LOVE YOU.
AND I WILLING TO BELIEVE ON YOU.
I WISH MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS WILL BE BLESSED.
AND I WILL SOON LET GO EVERYTHING.
SLOWLY I KNOW,
BUT I SURE WILL!! :))

i need a better man,
to right one..
I know when God doesn't give me something,
HE will offer me something better :)
AMEN! :)





TRYING MY BEST TO SACK YOU OUT FROM MY LIFE.
I DOWAN YOU TO BE MY HABIT ANYMORE.
IT'S NOT A GOOD HABIT AT ALL.!!

GOODBYE!

so tired.

did you ever care of my feeling?
did you ever respect who am I.

this is jealousy?
isit? :'(


who understand?
who fights for me?
who understood every feeling of mine?



I think on ur side,
if I was you,
will have behave like you?
No, I don't :'(
I will respect...

but,
did you think on my side? :'(





i do hate,
caring others' feeling.
ended up I'm the one who injured.


I do these,
also because u're my fren.
who I don't really want to hurt to.


do you know?
NO, u're still laughing. :'(

thank you so much :')

tears,
doest it solve everything?
I've forgotten,
it doesn't.

Or may be I should be more and more tough,
There's still many many people who will humiliate me.
you should know,
That's still many people who will.
yes, they will.

I tot I can forget,
I tot I will be okay,
yet,
even the fb page was down,
even everyone had forgotten it,
when someone mention it again,
the hurt that you get is double.
you know, double.
yes, double.

you wouldn't know how tiring is it,
to endure everything,
and even care about others while others don't.
you wouldn't know how hurtful is it,
until you get what you should get nx time.
what goes around comes around.
yes I know,
but do you sure, it will happen??
yes, I do hope. :'/

people laughed,
people teased.
for you,
you won to fight with me.
for you,
you proud that I've got nothing to say anymore.
for you,
you happy that people agree and laughed with you.
so, I should've said congratz. :')

thanks that you allude to the wound inside my heart.
thanks that you make it even serious.
thanks that you can make me thought of what you said for the whole day.
thanks that you make me have no idea who to express my feeling with.

thanks for everything.
may god bless you,
and may I forgive you.

I called them as bitch.
I named them as non-educated one.
I felt sorry for their parents.
and you, a guy.
Who acted like them in front of me.

think of urself before you hurt one deeply.
yes, very very very deeply.
don't worry,
I've nothing to do with you in the future.
and I dowan you to be part of my life.
Wish that you can find ur so called '' nice girl '' next time.
yes, u're oways the one who judge a book by its cover.
and please,
just mind your own business.
look at urself,
before you humiliate someone.

even you get straight As in ur examination,
even you get a super nice job in ur future.
even you are so much much richer den me next time.
for me,
you're just as poor as others.
the basic knowledge, the basic moral values.
yes, you don't have much of them :)

Or may be it's my fault for you to humiliate me.
should I think like this?
I'm quite tired of finding my fault in everythings happened.
How I wish,
that isn't my fault.
How I wish,
I should be the one who is so super tough now.

and,
how I wish.
I wont feel that hard,
My heart will not pain,
when I wanted to smile and to laugh.
Today,
it's so so so hard for me to laugh.
yes, I did.
but please know that,
it's just to cover my tears.
it's just to prevent my sadness to be expressed out.

I hope that case can completely deleted from my brain.
till now,
the hurt is still there.
do you know,
NO, you'll never know.
NEVER. :'(

or should I say,
please humiliate me but not others.
because they haven't get used to it.
but I do.
:')

what would you think of ?
oh, I'm one who couldn't be made fun of.
I'm one who cannot take jokes.
it's just a small case,
I'm the one who think it's big.
isn't it?
hahaha,
yea, I'm like this. :'')

I prayed,
prayed that I'll be okay.
as long as I'm pure,
as long as mummy will know I'm hurted.

as long as,
I will still be fine,
and laughed like a sakai tomorrow.
:')

i'm who I AM :D

should have realized a lot of things earlier.
why am I realizing everything this year.
things change,
I'm still lying to myself again and again.

and at last,
I told myself,
I should have loved myself more.

tan xiao jun.
stop thinking too much.
God the one who created you,
and you'll just be different than others.
You are what you are.
No matter how others think about you,
you're still the one you are.
yes, I'm irreplaceable.

pray whenever u're depressed,
bare in mind,
God and your parents are there for you all the time :)
unless,
you met someone you do really feel comfortable to be with,
comfortable to talk with,
and a really very true friend :)
hmph.

I wan to be the only ME.
dotz, that's all :)

we prefer others to understand us,
and make us cry on their shoulder.
but not asking ppl to borrow us a shoulder,
or understand us better. :)

future.

I thought of this.

after SPM,
apa mau buat?

used to have a lot of ambition when I was young.
now?
seems NONE.

people says,
one who don hv any aim will not ever success.

sigh sigh sigh,
was not worrying in past few years,
but now I am facing SPM,
and after SPM.
everything seems blank for me.
don't you feel that?
if you do feel so,
meaning u're in the same situation as me :/

if can,
I rather forever sit for SPM.
but, everyone's life is to move forward but not staying there.
so what to do?
I'm blank,
seriously.

have a nice result in SPM,
so what?
one who get no A,
one who get straight As.
both of them went to the same college/ uni.
what's the point actually?
to get scholarship,
for one year.
after that?

How I will be like 10 years after?
Watching friends getting richer?
watching friends on their way to success?
and I'm envying?
I down to. :(


God,
lend me a hand.
tell me what I should do :(

studying like hell now,
not knowing ur aim, ur ambition.
what for?
everyone tend to fight for the EXAM.
but not their dream,
am I correct?
so after the EXAM,
you get straight As,
more As then others.
den?
yea, can tell people ur result proudly,
after one month?
or few weeks after?
everything back to normal.
and you find urself lost again...

17 years old,
not even SPM to think of,
but also ur future to think of.
people,
17 years old isn't that young d.
even it's still considered as teens,
but it will be different as the one who can still go to school nx year.

again,
I wanna say.
appreciate ur schooling day.
be thankful that,
u still can wake up early for school,
wearing uniform to school,
chat with buddies in school.
after this,
u'll miss it so much.
even school give you so much of sucks memories,
you still have to appreciate.


yea,
I will still strike hard for SPM,
even it seems quite pointless :/
and also trying my best to find the aim, the goal.
I pray I pray and I pray.

God, do lend me a hand.
you know me more den myself.
when there's a will, there's a way.
problem is no will,
how to get the way?

lead me along my way,
I dowan to rely to anyone.
I just want to work for myself.
am able to take care of my parent,
give them the best that I can,
I pray I pray and I still pray.

stay tough stay strong.
there's still plenty of things waiting for me to confuse about.
it's impossible to have NONE obstacles in your life.
I might collapse one day,
but still,
after collapsing, I have to brace up.
this is life.
everyone's life.
just see how colourful will it be,
and it's painted by urself.

not miracles don't happen,
is you do not want to create it.


just,
take a deep breath,
get prepared for the journey of the life.
:)

:)

stay there.
don move to anywhere :)
there's people for you.
believe me :)


i'm thinking this for 2 days.
I swear I did.
anyway,
I apologize if I did something like dis.
I dono what I've done.
if u're that sure that I'm the one and it's not a misunderstanding,
okay, I'm very sorry for that to happen.


u've done ur best.
but the people around u aren't the best. :)
agree?


or may be I didnt care about ur feeling.
I'm sorry.
that's my mistake.


but I swear,
I'm feeling sad and dono what to do when the result revealed.
and it's kinda unfair too.


if it's my fault,
and I did something so so SO SERIOUS.
den I do really feel sorry about it.


u're tired, I'm too :)

that's the life-less things who ends it.
so let it be, let it go :)
take care ;)

let it be, let it go.

God who knows how's it.
I'm the one who knows how it feels.
yea,
in this week.
finally know that,
I'm always the transparent one.


somehow,
I seriously hope that,
someone can know my feeling.
even I did not tell anyone,
like sometimes I know others too..
not you, but others.
sigh.


if our hearts are attaching,
u'll know how I feel and I will know yours.
too bad,
I haven't find any.


friend says,
is time for me to live for myself.
is time for me to put myself more important than others.
mommy says,
sometimes have to think about urself too.
again,
saying is easy.
I've the feeling to do what I feel like doing,
so I have to stop myself?
idk :(


I'm out.
totally out from every places that I wish to be in.
I've been sacked out.
and it's seriously tired for me return back again,
I have no right to stop others..
or I should say,
No one is perfect,
it's time for me to look further,
to look for the different result.


I'm the one who fail myself :)
I wouldn't blame anyone.
it's actually my fault.
don't ask for others to take care of me and understand me more.
don't hope too much that I'm oways the most important one for them.
I'm not qualified :)
let the one who enjoy to be with me,
continue with me.
and let the one who wanna leave,
let them leave,
even it's with my super bad feeling for tat things to be happened.


make sure,
it's not a misunderstanding.
and that's fine for me.
take care :')


true.
I just look pathetic if keep on demanding for others to understand me.
thanks God, thanks mommy.
the closest one with me,
and lead me in my way :')

don't simply guess what this post is about.
u might misunderstand about me.
thank you.

:'(

why can't girls live for themselves.
girls were born to satisfy every guy?

why?



why is everyone making us so freaking hard to be confident?



we're just living for ourselves.
appreciating whateva god had given to us.
do not complain and trying not to have the inferiority feeling again n again.
why u all force us to have it again.
it does make u feel better?
it's so important for u eventhough u don even know me?


no one will ever think of other's feeling before they spoke.







or may be.
that's the fact,
which we should have accepted it.

I wish,
that will be a day which every girl can raise their head up.
but when was it? :'(

the end of the holidays D:

hey!
am back to have my last post by the end of the holiday.
aww,
sadnya.
tomorrow school reopening D:
and homework, stresses, school activities and tuition.
hectic life begins again!!
and i'll be always prepared for the exams.
and at last SPM!
hohohoho den I'm graduated..
so fast huh. :(
last time I was just form 1.
aw, better say I was a baby =3=

the last year in my secondary school.
I'll seriously appreciate it =)
I'm 17 years old this year!
FORM 5 :O
last time oways feel that Form 5 very big very old jor.
now, I'm Form 5 =.=
it's kinda incredible.. :(

the only thing who can flies without aerofoil or wings,
it's will be the TIME.
as they said,
Time and tide waits for no man. :/

I can only appreciate everything I have now.
as time passes by,
I'm sure I'll regret for not appreciating it.

forgotten to wish you all.
HAPPY NEW YEAR :D
and it's 2011.
one more year to the end of the year, 2012.
don care so much,
as long as it's now 2011.
2012 thingy shud be worried nx year :P
and I pray that it may not happen.
I wish. :(
even it really happens,
no matter how will it be,
I just wish my family will be with me. :)

Slept at 5am last night.
woke up at ten smth or nine something?
yea, I'm still sleepy.
but I just hope that tonite can sleep earlier and easier to fall asleep.
what am I doing till this late?
well, NOT FB.
am completing my sejarah note and question book D:
Choose to recopy everything,
for me to study easier this year.
and what I pay off is my time and energy AND ALSO pen ink.
lol.
I do hope that it seriously worth it :(

after today,
I will try my best.
to avoid fb and pc :O
well again,
saying is easier den doing =3=.
I hope it really successful.
actually fb tak de apa-apa nice =3=,
keep on refreshing the home page and wait for new update jek.
I wonder why am I so addicted to it sometimes D:

anyway,
all the best to me and to YOU.
have a nice year 2011.
may my wish come true,
may my plan for myself goes well.
especially in my piano exam and my studies.

gambateh! :D

:S

now only I know,
I will just hurt myself once I care of someone too much.

now only I know,
one who treats me good will become lesser as time passes by.

now only I know,
you might or might not get some redound from the person you're being good to.
yet the one u oways neglected,
are the one who attach importance to you.

now only I know,
one's attitude will has so much difference.

now only I know,
when u're moody,
and 've spoken out something bad,
you couldn't ask ppl to understand you.
they ain't your parent.
see how important ur parent is.

now only I know,
two people who always be together,
not really considered as best friend,
or may be there's no special relation between them.

now only I know,
handphone is to let ppl to find you only when they need you,
but not to strengthen the relationship or friendship.

now only I know,
how big difference between the reality and ur own thinking..

now only I know,
I'm growing up and not longer the small kiddo,
have to get use to everything.

now only I know,
the one that considered as a best friend,
might not be the really best sometimes.

now only I know,
without the determination and patience,
u'll fail for everything.

now only I know,
how important is it to have someone to company by my side.

now only I know,
I don't really believe in forever.

now only I know,
there's lot of thing happening out of ur expectations.

now only I know,
the more perfect you demand for,
the more you can't done it well.

now only I know,
tears, being emo,
seriously doesn't solve anything.

now only I know,
people used to think that they're not actually tough,
because they need someone to understand them more.

now only I know,
when u're so alone and got no one to chat to,
u can only ask '' doing wad '' to those who not really close to you.

now only I know,
I find 1am is too early to have a nice sleep..

now only I know,
I really hate to regret on something I've not done.



now only I know,
I got better now -.-
and I wonder what happened just now.
and now seems the bad feeling back again.
sry, I dono what I'm talking -.-



sigh.